Is it wrong to eavesdrop on someone detailing their intimate problems on the phone?
While stuck in a slow-moving supermarket queue, the man in front of me loudly complained about his marital and sexual problems on his phone, outlining every salacious detail. I didn’t want to listen, but I didn’t want to lose my place in the queue. What should I have done? I.W., Alexandra Headland, QLD
A: You didn’t want to listen in? Really? I can’t think of a better way of killing time in a slow-moving supermarket queue than eavesdropping on someone whinging about their marital and sexual problems in high-fidelity, full-volume, XXX-rated audio. It’s your very own live MAFS show with a front-row seat. I would’ve closed my eyes and immersed myself in the salaciousness. Leaned in for the bitchy bits about his failing marriage. Pulled away when he started going on about conjugal rights. Let out a disgusted “Ewwwwww!” when he described a fetish called The Hangman’s Papoose, then turned to the person behind me and whispered, “Cling-wrap and a cactus? I don’t know. Whatever works, hey?”
But if lewd, public oversharing isn’t for you, I suppose you could try distracting yourself with supermarket-queue activities. Focus on the hauntingly beautiful melody of the squeaky check-out conveyor belt. Tone up your biceps with a few reps of canned-creamed-corn curls. Contemplate whether to buy that packet of chewy Eclipse Mints on the impulse-buy shelf – or consider making your own at home with old toothpaste and a hair dryer.
Whatever you do in that slow-moving queue, I wouldn’t be tapping the guy on the shoulder and telling him to shut up. He’s clearly in an agitated state and he has access to eight or more items: you could get bopped on the head with a whole butternut pumpkin, an autumn Aussie favourite at just $3.20 a kilo.
Read more from Modern Guru:
Is it rude to keep listening to my podcast while my partner is talking to me?
Is it bad luck to throw out my old Bible?
Am I being precious about how to use my tea towel?
Help! My new partner doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet
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Danny Katz is a columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. He writes the Modern Guru column in the Good Weekend magazine. He is also the author of the books Spit the Dummy, Dork Geek Jew and the Little Lunch series for kids.