Conversational one-upmanship gets me down. Is there anything I can do about it?

Q: Why is it, when you tell someone about something awful that happened to you, they say, “Yes, but listen to what happened to my great-uncle on my mother’s side.” How should one deal with one-upmanship like this? M.F., Brighton East, VIC

A: There are three types of awful-story “upmanship”. There’s non-upmanship, where you tell someone about something awful that happened to you and they may have a more awful story on the same topic, but they graciously keep it to themselves; they just nod and go, “Hmm” and pretend they’re listening when they’re actually staring at the gaps in your teeth, thinking how handy that must be when it comes to flossing.

There’s fun-upmanship, where  you tell someone about something awful that happened to you and they try to belittle it  using flippant humour. For instance, you could be talking about a recent painful illness and they’ll say, “Oh, that’s nothing! Just last week I got a hangnail that came into contact with orange juice and it really, really hurt! Haw-haw! Anyway, back to you. So you wound up in ICU with acute pancreatitis? Go on.”

And, finally, there’s the dreaded one-upmanship, where  you tell someone about something awful that happened to you and they can’t help themselves: they feel compelled to out-awful you. You may be telling them about your hefty parking fine and they’ll interrupt with a story about a cousin who got 50 parking fines, refused to pay and wound up in prison with a cell-mate who’d murdered his family with a Bamix stick blender set on turbo.

You cannot defeat a competitive one-upmanshipper so, if you’re faced with one, back  down, give up, become a non-upmanshipper. Pretend to  listen when you’re actually staring at the freckle on their nose, thinking it looks like an ant walking up their face.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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