What teachers wish the parents of ‘problem children’ knew

Whether you’re getting calls from the principal or your child is reporting less-than-ideal classroom antics, a few clever strategies for working with teachers – not against them – can make all the difference to a child’s success at school.

When school principal Ryan Martin’s son Charlie got a detention for “just playing football” a couple of years ago, Martin did what he said he never would: he got mad with the teacher.

“I was like, ‘That’s ridiculous, I’m calling the school!’” says Martin, author of new book Little F*ckers: A Book for Parents of Cranky, Crazy, Lazy, Fabulous, Amazing Little Humans.

“I thought, ‘He’s playing competitive sport and the school is restricting the natural instinct to play’.”

But after taking a couple of breaths he reminded himself of what he’d seen hundreds of times throughout his 30-odd years in schools – that a child’s versions of events rarely paints the whole picture, and that approaching a school with curiosity, instead of combat, always achieves better outcomes.

“It turned out he’d been playing too rough. I shouldn’t have fed the fire because going in there blaming and being angry fractures the relationship rather than strengthens it,” he says.

“It helps to go in and say something like, ‘My young fella’s come home upset. Can you tell me a bit about it because I don’t understand what’s occurred?’ Then you can make a proper assessment of whether it was not right.”

With reports of teachers and principals retiring early due to over-involved parents interfering in school decisions and demanding teachers be disciplined for their classroom actions, it seems there is work to be done on all sides in strengthening collaboration to improve outcomes for children and teenagers.

“In a lot of cases the trust between the school and the parents has disappeared,” says Martin.

“But it’s important to remember that schools have kids for six hours, and parents have them for 18 hours, and there’s a lot you can be doing in those 18 hours to improve outcomes for your kids.”

Get children active

If there’s one thing Martin would like to see parents ticking off in the out-of-school hours, it’s getting children active and outdoors.

“We want kids to be well-slept, well-fed, with an active social life – if they turn up to school with those ingredients then the platform for the teacher to do really amazing work is much, much stronger,” he says.

“We see kids who are spending most of their 18 hours away from school on a screen and not learning the things that they learn from lifting their head up and observing the world.”

Get involved before things go wrong

Children are known to fare better if parents get involved in the school community, which is why Derek McCormack, director of the Raising Children Network, urges parents to show their face at school in the early years in any way they can.

“Helping with school events can really set a positive scene for the future,” he says.

Of course, that’s not always easy, with 73 per cent of Australian “couple” families having two working parents, but Martin says that a quick g’day to the teacher on a once-a-week drop-off, or an email to check how your child is faring, can lay great groundwork before things go awry.

“You might say, ‘I want to support the work you are doing. Is there anything we can do at home?’” he says.

“It’s important for kids to know that parents aren’t just sitting at home or going to work not knowing anything about what’s happening at school.”

Respect teachers’ expertise (and workload)

Just as someone wouldn’t swan into their accountant’s office and give them advice on how to prepare a tax return, Martin urges parents not to assume they understand classroom dynamics just because they once attended school themselves.

“Parents often roll in and go, ‘I know as much as the teacher, so I’m going to tell the teacher what to do’,” he says.

Not only are teachers often managing a big group of kids with increasingly complex needs, Martin says there is more to fit into the timetable than ever before.

“Teachers went to university and they are experts in what they do. They have a monstrous job, these days, and have to fit the curriculum in, along with a lot of other social and emotional [lessons] – it’s a much bigger gig than it used to be,” he says.

“There is also a trend of parents bypassing the teacher and going straight to the principal without having a conversation and giving the teacher the right to a reply.”

Be curious about your child

Many parents are surprised to discover that their children are really different at school compared with how they behave at home.

“We want to be in partnership with teachers saying, ‘I know your kid at school and you know your kid at home, so what do you know about home that will help me in the classroom?’ and vice versa,” says Martin.

“There’s often a lot that both people could share. A good teacher could tell you a lot about your kids and you might find yourself saying, ‘That’s interesting, we don’t see that’.”

Above all, Martin advises parents not to bad-mouth the school in front of their kids.

“If a kid sees mum and dad disagree with the school, or think the teachers are idiots, the kid will likely adopt that view,” he says.

“In my case, I should have said to my son, ‘Charlie, I’m going to have a chat with the school but it doesn’t sound like you handled it very well and I’m supporting the school with this’.”

Give children a chance to rectify

As tempting as it might be to march into school to find out why your child is so upset, Martin says that oftentimes they benefit from advocating for themselves, or taking responsibility for the part they played.

“Kids can get really good at solving some of this stuff and if it’s not a pattern of behaviour and the story they tell you is not life-changing or development-altering, sometimes leaving it is a good thing to do,” he says.

“Teachers are only human and they can get frustrated … but at the same time, kids can be really sensitive. You could ask them, ‘What could you do better next time?’ Because we are trying to teach our kids to be resilient and that you’re not here to save them.”

At the same time, McCormack says parents should feel confident advocating for their child when required.

“Asking for adjustments or what options are available is completely appropriate – you should not feel like advocating is in some way causing them trouble,” he says.

“Allowing your kids to see you advocate on their behalf is really good, so they develop this language of talking about their needs, and when they do that they can become an advocate for themselves.”

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